Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Recovery Patterns
http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns2.php
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA agrees with the views expressed herein. CoDA is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors - All Rights Reserved
Self-care is an often misunderstood concept. Taking care of yourself does not mean neglecting everyone else in your life. And BIG NEWS-self-care has nothing to do with being selfish or a “bad” person. Self-care is as essential to life as breathing.
Before I continue, let me clarify how I define self-care. Self-care involves addressing your own basic needs, such as food, water, shelter, sleep, money to live on, etc. It also involves addressing some of your higher needs such as health, love, sense of belonging, etc. Self-care even involves addressing your wants and passions, including hobbies and the activities that make your heart sing and truly bring you joy. It means being nice to yourself. Treating yourself with love and respect. For some people-particularly those in caregiving roles or with demanding schedules-finding 15 minutes a day of peace and quiet to themselves is a loving act of self-care.
Simply stated, self-care involves whatever it takes to make you feel energized, happy, balanced and at ease in this world. For me, self-care involves getting a really good night’s rest…Eating nutritious, energizing foods…Getting in some movement, because my body loves to move….Filling my life with positive people….Having time daily for spirituality…Having fun by dancing, listening to great music, hiking in the mountains, being in the beauty of nature…It also means thinking positive thoughts and talking kindly to myself…which also means that when my inner critic shows up, I get to gently tell her she has the rest of the day off…
Whatever self-care means to you, it is IMPORTANT. Not just important, but VITAL. Vital to your well-being, your enjoyment of life, and your SURVIVAL! If you do not take care of yourself, you will not survive. If you do not feed yourself-physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually-you will starve to death. Lack of self-care leads to a great deal of stress for our minds, bodies and spirits. And unfortunately, a majority of chronic and acute illnesses are linked to high levels of stress. In some ways, neglecting your own self-care is like slowly-or even quickly-ending your life.
Why else might you want to take good care of yourself? Well, if you are a caring person and responsible for the care of family members or others…you cannot give what you don’t have. If you are not healthy, energized and balanced yourself, how can you possibly expect to tend to someone else’s healthy, energy and happiness? If you give, and give and give, and never receive-from others or from yourself-you are left with nothing. Completely void, without anything left to give. I am sure many of you can relate to how that void feels-in your body, mind, and spirit.
My favorite analogy here is a bucket. If your bucket is empty, you have nothing left to give. The more full your bucket, the more you have to give. Life is a constant process of pouring from your bucket, and refilling-giving and receiving. How do you refill your bucket? With self-care, self-love, self-nurturing…by doing all those things that bring you balance and joy. Self-care is the supply of water that will fill your bucket and allow you to continue giving and loving.
I am not suggesting that you engage in so much self-care that you forget everyone else. That would not be good either. I am suggesting a good balance of self-care and care for others.
And one final thought…Self-care is NOT selfish. It is self-preserving. It makes your life flow a LOT smoother. The happier and more balanced you are, the happier and more balanced others around you can be. Taking good care of yourself is actually the most loving thing you can do for others.
So there you have it! 100% certified, bona fide PERMISSION to take good care of YOU. Should anyone try to give you a guilt trip, have them read this article-or send them to me.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Leave me a comment or e-mail me at Courtney@CaringforYourSpirit.com!
About the Author:
Courtney Long, MSW, LC, CHt is a Transformational Life Coach and Certified Hypnotherapist, trained at the award winning Southwest Institute of Healing Arts in Tempe, AZ. She obtained her Masters Degree in Social Work and Bachelors Degree in Psychology from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, MI. She is based in Phoenix, AZ yet serves clients worldwide. Courtney’s company, Caring for Your Spirit, LLC supports and inspires caring adults to love and nurture themselves. With compassion and an uplifting, refreshing perspective, Courtney teaches caring adults the importance of self-care, provides vital self-care tools, and empowers her clients to live the fulfilling life of balance, health, happiness and energy that they deserve. Courtney draws on her experience as a Wellness Coach in a corporate setting and as a Geriatric Social Worker for Adult Day Health Centers. Courtney has created & facilitated empowering caregiver support groups and for 10+ years has professionally supported caregivers, seniors and caring adults in obtaining their personal wellness goals and making their own well-being top priority.
What is your invisible inner life? It’s the way you actually feel – as opposed to the way you’re trying to appear – when meeting any person or event.
In other words, your invisible inner life is your real inner condition. It’s this state of internal affairs that communicates with others long before any words are exchanged. These silent signals from your inner self are what a person receives first upon meeting you. The reading of them determines from that point forward, the basis of your relationship. This unseen dialogue that goes on behind the scenes whenever two people meet is commonly understood as “sizing one another up.” But here’s the point of this introduction.
We’re often led to act against ourselves by an undetected weakness that goes before us – trying to pass itself off to others – as strength. This is secret self-sabotage. It sinks us in our personal and business relationships as surely as a torpedo wrecks the ship it strikes.
Any person you feel the need to control or dominate – so that he or she will treat you as you “think” you should be treated will always be in control of you and treat you accordingly. Why? Because anyone from whom you want something, psychologically speaking, is always in secret command of you.
It would never dawn on any person to want to be more powerful or superior to someone else unless there was some psychic character within him or her that secretly felt itself to be weaker or lesser than that other individual.
Any action we take to appear strong before another person is actually read by that person as a weakness. If you doubt this finding, review the past interactions and results of your own relationships. The general rule of thumb is that the more you demand or crave the respect of others, the less likely you are to receive it.
So it makes no sense to try and change the way others treat you by learning calculated behaviors or attitude techniques in order to appear in charge. Stop trying to be strong. Instead, start catching yourself about to act from weakness. Don’t be too surprised by this unusual instruction. A brief examination reveals its wisdom. Following are ten examples of where you may be secretly sabotaging yourself while wrongly assuming you’re strengthening your position with others.
1. Fawning before people to win their favor.
2. Expressing contrived concern for someone’s well being.
3. Making small talk to smooth out the edges.
4. Hanging onto someone’s every word.
5. Looking for someone’s approval.
6. Asking if someone is angry with you.
7. Fishing for a kind word.
8. Trying to impress someone.
9. Gossiping.
10. Explaining yourself to others.
The next time you feel yourself about to give into any of the above behaviors, give yourself a quick and simple internal test. This test will help you check for and cancel any undetected weakness that’s about to make you sabotage yourself.
Here’s what to do: Run a pressure check.
Here’s how: Come wide awake and run a quick inner scan within yourself to see if that remark you’re about to make, or the answer you’re about to give without having been asked for it, is something you really want to do. Are you about to speak because you’re afraid of some as yet undisclosed consequence if you don’t?
Your awareness of any pressure building within you is proof that it’s some form of fear – and not you – that wants to do the explaining, fawning, impressing, blabbing, or whatever the self-sabotaging act the inner pressure is pushing you to commit.
Each time you feel this pressurized urge to give yourself away, silently but solidly refuse to release this pressure by giving in to its demands. It may help you to succeed sooner if you know that fear has no voice unless it tricks you into giving it one. So stay silent. Your conscious silence stops self-sabotage.
Summary: In any and every moment of your life, you are either in command of yourself, or you are being commanded.
About the Author:
Guy Finley is the acclaimed author of more than 30 books and audio programs on the subject of self-realization, several of which have become international best sellers. His popular works, published in 16 languages, are widely endorsed by doctors, professionals, and religious leaders of all denominations. Among many others, his popular titles include: The Secret of Letting Go, Design Your Destiny, The Lost Secrets of Prayer, Apprentice of the Heart, and Let Go and Live in the Now.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Guy_Finley
It is not important where you get good information, it is only important that you get good information. As you can imagine, I am a little biased in my belief that good information is available to all of you right here. But I can assure you that this blog is not exhaustive nor does it cover many specific ideas and questions. So you may have to check out many sources in your endeavor to get the help you need for your marriage.
It is rarely difficult to understand the truth once you have found it. The work is in the finding of the truth. Once you have determined that you do in fact need help and information that you do not currently have, the next step is to locate the source or sources that posses what you are looking for.
As you can surely imagine, there are so many resources available on the web, through blogs and reference websites. Additionally, there are thousands of books available, many of which address topics ranging from very general to pin-point specific. And while I love the ease in which you can research specific topics on the web, there are times that nothing will be as beneficial as talking with someone directly. Whether that be a family member, a mentor, a pastor, or even a counselor. All of these can be very advantageous depending on your relationships and individual circumstances.
The first step is to acknowledge that you have a need. Second, that you are willing to do the work that will be required to bring benefit to your situation. Third you have to go to the source of the help. And finally, you have to implement your plan for remedy.
Take the time to write down as specific as you can be, what you think the problem is. Try to outline the cause and effect of the problem. Look at both parties to the situation and honestly examine what your own involvement is in the problem and the solution. You might find that in doing so you will be able to answer some of the questions you have on what you can do right now to help. ~ KK
2. Live in the now, the moment.
3. You cannot change the past so do not worry about it.
4. You cannot predict the future so don’t worry about it.
5. Realize you cannot change other people, so either accept them for who they are or gravitate towards those who do make you happy.
6. Exercise. You don’t have to be wonder woman or superman, but exercise releases endorphins that will naturally pick up your mood.
7. Learn to let your mind be quiet for 10 minutes a day. Just sit/lay somewhere quiet and comfy and close your eyes. When a negative thought pops into your mind just mentally ask yourself “what am I thinking now?” move on to a positive thought, and every time a negative thought comes into your mind repeat the process it does not matter whether you have 10 minutes of asking “what am I thinking now” you will be pulling your mind away from negativity. This is training your mind to think what you WANT it to think rather than let it go feral and throw anything at you. Over time you will be able to just sit quietly and literally think of nothing, this enables your mind to become more capable of feeling relaxed and happy.
8. Jump up and down on the spot as many times as you can. I have no idea why but it always makes me giggle when I do it!
9. Listen to music you adore, that lifts your heart and makes you want to dance.
10. Do something that makes you feel good, it doesn’t matter what it is or how small it is just a little something to bring you joy.
11. This one sounds way too easy, but, smile. Simply by letting yourself smile will bring your happy levels up.
12. Read regularly and widely, articles, books anything that has a positive, or happy theme to it, if it makes you laugh out loud, even better!
13. Stand tall, breath slowly and deeply. I am only 5 ft 1″ and I can manage it. It is another very simple thing but if you stand with your head held high and shoulders back you will look and feel more positive. Breathing deeply and slowly helps relax, and stops panic. Think about it for a moment if you had just been told you had won something you would sit up straight and laugh or smile. So always feel like a winner!
14. Everything is about thought, so only think happy and positive thoughts. Your feelings and emotions are a guide to your thoughts and alert you to what you are thinking. So pay attention to how you feel. If you are not feeling good use technique no. 7 to halt your thought pattern. Then find something nice to think about. You don’t have to trawl your memory for something good that may have happened, just simply stop and look around you and appreciate something in your line of vision or range of hearing maybe someone is wearing a jumper in your favorite color, or has spiky hair that makes you smile. Maybe you can hear people laughing or even the strange swooshing noise cars make as they whiz past. It’s the simple art of stopping your negative thoughts in their tracks that lifts your mood, then finding something to appreciate raises it further.
15. Appreciate things in your life you want to change, as they give you the direction in which you need to go to move forward. Knowing what you don’t like automatically leads you to know what you do like.
16. Keep your space at work/in the vehicle/at home tidy it will give you a sense of breathing space in your mind.
17. De-clutter your life. If you haven’t used/worn/noticed you owned/not known what something is for, for 6 months or more get rid/throw away/sell/donate to charity/give to a friend who would love it. This will then free up space for you to obtain something wonderful that you do want, will use/wear/play/listen to/read/sit on etc.
18. Write a list of things that really make you happy and try to re-introduce them into your life. Remember this is a list of things that make YOU happy, don’t try to make other people happy, they do that for themselves.
19. Always focus on what you do want and never on what you don’t. Imagine you have a little pixie/fairy/god/goddess/badger that is around you at all times listening in on your thoughts and as soon as it hears a want it goes to sort out getting them to you. So always think positively e.g:
“Wouldn’t it be great if I had a fantastic day at work”
off it pops to get you a fantastic day at work or
“wouldn’t it be superb if I owned an Overfinched Range Rover*”
(*other dream cars are available that is just mine!)
So off it goes again to get your dream car.
Keep away from the negative listings i.e
“my money isn’t going to be in the bank yet”
as off your little dream maker will go to make sure that your money will not be there. Or
“I don’t want this car it’s awful”
your dream maker has just heard you say “want this awful car”, so off it goes on its quest for a car with no wheels.
20. Sing out loud. Find your favorite song and sing your little heart out.
To sum it all up finally, remember this is YOUR life and YOUR experience only YOU can live it there is little point in jumping through hoops to please somebody else, only please yourself. This is not a selfish thing to do as when you are happy you make those around you happy, when those around you are happy they make those around them happy and so it continues! So YOU being happy will effect far more people than you ever imagined.
GO FORTH AND BE HAPPY!!
Article Source:Keep your attitude positive, and you’ll find more things to be positive about. Life will get better, you’ll feel happier. The secret is surrounding yourself with good people, and avoiding the rest. Avoid these 3 people if possible:
Troll. Trolls are funny creatures. They lie waiting for someone to say something and then BOOM they will swoop in and burst the bubble.
A troll is someone who comes in and says something destructive to you or about you, with no purpose other than to cause a reaction. You probably don’t even know this person. This happens a lot online. Through email, Facebook, Twitter and on blog, people are able to say things they wouldn’t dare do face-to-face.
· When a troll comes into your life, delete the message instantly (if possible).
· Do not reply to it.
· Do not try to soothe the person.
· All they are looking for is attention, so by not giving it to them you win and they will disappear. (If they don’t you have a completely different kind of toxic person – a stalker, and you should notify authorities and report the person).
Dream-Stealer. This person likes to be realistic. You have some exciting news, or a great idea, or a big dream and all they want to do is make you see all the possible chances for failure. They say things to make you doubt yourself. They also love to be right and will do what they can to make sure that they’re right and you’re wrong. They also enjoy being able to say, “I told you so.”
· Simplest way to deal with a Dream-Stealer is to protect your good news.
· If you have something to share, got a great idea, or have an opportunity coming up do not tell this person first. Tell others first. This protects yours positive energy.
Frienemy. This someone who is a Friend and an Enemy. I encourage you to look at this kind of friend…is someone who treats you this badly really a friend? How do you know you have one?
· You dread calling them if you have good news.
· You always feel worse after spending time with them.
· You have been friends for a long time, but aren’t sure why you have kept in touch.
· You become someone you don’t like when you’re with them. (whiny, complainy, negative).
· If you have a frienemy….talk to them about it if you want to remain friends (they may not be aware of it)
· If you don’t want to remain friends just stop spending so much time with them. If avoiding them bothers you, tell them outright that you are in different places in life and have nothing in common any more.
Toxic people have a way of draining the life energy from you, leaving you negative, numb and unsure of how to deal with them.
These kinds of toxic people can be really hard to deal with alone.
Note from the Author:
If you are currently dealing with a “Troll,” “Dream-Stealer” or “Frienemy you’ll want to join me for the Happiness & Harmony Makeover, where I’m covering in detail exactly what to look out for AND how to deal with these kinds of negative people in your life. It’s FREE and you can sign up at http://kimberlyenglot.com/hhteleseminar.
Kimberley Englot teaches success-driven women how to create the life vision they crave, have the courage to pursue it and live it from a purely authentic place so they can enjoy all the happiness, freedom and success they deserve. She is the founder of the Center of Authentic Self Development. Learn more about her programs and gain access to FREE coaching, inspiration & advice at: http://www.kimberlyenglot.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?Trolls,-Dream-Stealers-and-Frienemies—How-to-Identify-and-Deal-With-Toxic-People&id=3786523
